On February 26th, at approximately 2:36 pm, we discovered that our lives would be turned upside down and forever be changed. The day's events began early, unknown to us; these events have and will continue to alter our lives.

This day started like any other day; I got up early, worked out, listened to my favorite podcast, coffee time, and conversation with my husband, Paul. He had been struggling recently with anxiety, and now we know depression. Paul had battled with anxiety his entire life. This morning, as we have learned, was different. Off to work I went at 5:45 am and said, "see ya later." Everything, every word, and feeling of this day are etched in my memory like a laser cutting glass.

I have created an incredible amount of freedom, security, and stability with work and business. It has allowed us to live and build the life of our dreams. We were home with our children; we built a community wellness facility; we created memories to cherish and the freedom to care for ourselves and others. This lifestyle allowed Paul, when struggling to develop a schedule and routine, to let him thrive, rest, and be at peace (or so we thought).

For 31 years, I now know the size of the beast that tormented my husband. Our life story together is better written as a book; I am writing that story. However, this story here is about GRIEF. At 2:36 pm, it became a reality that my husband was not just taking the nap I thought he needed from long nights of no sleep. I checked on him but knew deep down the second I got up from the couch that something was not right. My daughter Bree was with me, and she felt the same panic, unease, and fear. It felt like someone had punched us simultaneously in the heart and gut. We searched the house and the garage, and then we thought perhaps he was in the barn working on something. The walk down to the barn was the longest slow-motion walk you can imagine. As we walked together to the barn, I could feel her anxiety like a heavy weighted blanket. I remember seeing his athletic shoe print on the concrete slab, and I knew something was wrong. I don't think I took even one breath. As I opened the 2nd door, I saw the mattress he had laid down and his shoes as if he were taking a nap (in fact, as the brain is so powerful and denial so strong, I lightly tapped his foot with mine as if he would wake up). Just as I had tapped his foot, the screeching, terrified, heartbroken scream from my daughter shook me into crisis and reality immediately. She had seen the pool of blood around his head and the gun he had managed to return to his chest. Our lives, our futures, our very existence had just changed.

My husband of 31 years, whom I have been faithful to, overcame incredible challenges, jumped over obstacles, and built a family and future with had committed suicide. This was unimaginable! The following minutes were a lifetime. It was like a big screen projector flashing every memory, conversation, and fear in my head. Meanwhile, 911, CPR, firefighters, an ambulance, police officers, the sheriff, and the victims' advocate arrived in slow motion, fast forward, and rewind. It was trauma, grief, and devastation all at once. All I wanted was my babies - I needed to get my babies home. And my Grief journey began.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance (Hope) were next in a long line of time.

Grief hits, and we don't have control over it. It comes in waves, in surges; it leaves you lonely, empty, scared, angry, and sad, and you don't have complete control over it. One of the everlasting feelings is that you are not enough. There are thousands of grief books, podcasts, and planners, you name it, and some are great and others I did not care for. What I did find comforting was the stories of others' journeys. Many explain (which I like) the stages of grief, and understanding the different stages and emotions gives comfort when they hit. There is not a written specific guide or roadmap. It is your journey, and it will be unique to you, your life, beliefs, and circumstances- everyone is different.

Grief for me began with complete and total disbelief and shock - Denial. How could this be? We were both very against suicide, openly discussed our feelings about it, and had seen what it did to friends and their families and children. How did we get here? How am I going to do this? What about my kids, our community, and our future and plans? How could he do this TO US? Denial, disbelief, and shock all came together. We just sat and stared at each other, no sounds, no expressions, complete silence, and empty, sad disbelief. I was not aware yet that I was never alone. Everything was the same, but everything was completely different. What was real? What was true? I began to do an exercise to keep my focus because the mind wandering and endless questions racing through my head made me feel crazy. I focused on what I knew to be true. He loved his family more than anything in the world. He was struggling internally. Our family is strong and resilient. This exercise was critical for the following days, weeks, months, and eventually the year and will continue for a lifetime. Why this exercise? We are searching for answers that we will never have, and we will most likely create a thousand different stories in our heads, justifications, reasons, explanations, guilt, shame, and fear. The more I tried to make sense of everything, the more I lost sight and perspective.

Anger hits differently when it comes to suicide. Regardless of the reason, this person made a decision that would permanently alter loved ones' lives in so many ways. Anger is a secondary emotion - learning that makes a huge difference. Anger is felt as a result of a primary emotion like fear, loss, or sadness. For example, the snow came, and it piled as I had never seen it before. How would I get out of the driveway and shovel the porch? I was so angry I could feel my heart thumping and blood pressure beating out of the top of my head. I stood in snow up over my knees and cried and cried and cried. What was I crying about? Not the snow, not that Paul should be shoveling it; the primary emotion was loss and sadness. I had an abundance of anger in the beginning because I hadn't learned to identify the primary emotion and address it. Therefore, I was angry at the boxes that had to be broken down and the trash that needed to be taken out. I was mad that my son was hurting and experimenting through his pain, that my daughter was heartbroken and terrorized with dreams, and that I was left alone with my life stolen from me. I often stare at my children, trying to see where the scar is, so I can fix it or take it all away. I was angry a lot, but I soon learned through faith, that fear and anger were not serving me but were detouring me from my purpose and healing.

Regularly, I found myself stuck in the bargaining stage of grief, which is different from what it sounds. The bargaining stage of grief includes guilt and control, trying to prevent emotional pain in the future. By creating "what if's," I was trying to postpone or not have to feel sadness. I worked ten times as hard to create any normal moments so we didn't have to "feel" the sadness. This left me exhausted and numb. I have a very strong personality and knew I had to create our normal, take up the slack, lift everyone, and keep moving forward to control the sadness. I quickly learned that I was not going to be able to accomplish this on my own will power and that’s a feeling I’ve never experienced. But now I was alone desperately seeking a relationship that I could understand. Someone to give me hope, a friend, a true love, one I could count on and trust and one that would always have my back.

I discovered that relationship on the floor in my closet only six weeks after my life had been turned upside down. Although I have always prayed and desired a relationship with God, I didn’t really know Him. I didn't know how to connect, read the bible, listen or hear. All the plates I had suspended in the air as I attempted to keep everyone right, happy, and thriving began to tumble and shatter. The harder I tried to control everything, the more they fell apart. I was at the end of my rope. Anger, fear, doubt, guilt, and sadness all built up and exploded on the floor in my closet where I sat. I felt utterly lost, overwhelmed, and done until God intervened.

You never really know why God puts certain people in our lives. I had a long-distance friend who is in the same business as me and whose family used to live close and work out at our gym. She and I would occasionally connect on Social Media and enjoyed seeing each other at business gatherings once or twice a year. I was closer to her, but at this moment, some 650 miles away, the Lord sent her husband to me, and this is when my journey changed. Who else in their right mind would be up starting their day at 4 am, and how did he know to reach out at that moment? And why did I respond and spend the next three hours texting back and forth?

That’s how cool our God is! I had hit rock bottom, but I learned that God begins where we end. I learned about my new best friend, Jesus and what He did for me. I learned He has bigger plans for my life than I ever dreamed imaginable. I learned I had to lean in and trust. Yes, something significant happened on that floor that day. The only way I can explain it is that I felt light, warm, and strong. It was like the arms I had been craving to hold me were actually wrapped around me. Instantly, I was not alone. Instantly, I was not incomplete. Instantly, the hole in the center of my heart was filled. I surrendered. I surrendered my mind. I surrendered my will. And I surrendered my emotions to Him!

You see, I learned that when you invite Jesus to be your best friend, He heals your soul and releases your spirit from the bondage you kept it in. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation - the old has gone and the new has come.” Jesus didn’t wake up the old Linda. The old Linda was gone. The depressed, grieving, hopeless and lonely Linda was also gone. The new Linda was born again!

I’m not saying that I no longer grieve. It’s still a journey. Sometimes for no particular reason, I feel depressed; I had never really felt that before in my entire life as an optimistic person. In the days following Paul's suicide, I remember walking around in a zombie state. There was no color, everything was dull, I felt heavy and weak, and I had no motivation to get up, eat, drink or even talk. How can you be surrounded by people all day and feel completely alone? I had never been (physically) alone in my life, and now I know I never will be. But once I realized that Jesus is with me in all I do, I found peace in quiet moments, moments of just being still, and understanding that the plans for me are His. This allowed me to see with my eyes wide open that I was made for more, my purpose was being revealed, and my pain and journey were part of the story to be told. Life through ashes. What did that even mean? I now know and am living it. Through this horrible life-altering event, I have rediscovered who I am, a purpose that is to be fulfilled, and the passion for making a difference.

"For I know the plans I have for you," Jeremiah 29:11. As this story is only beginning, there is much HOPE for the future. Through this grief, I am finding new hope. I have discovered new strengths and a new direction. By acting on our grief, we can find peace and purpose. This journey leads to new things, health, happiness, purpose, and helping others live out the mission of ITS 24:7. Now I can say that I walk “In The Spirit 24:7”

In closing, and I won’t say this lightly, but if you are reading this and have started your grieving journey, I don’t know how you can do it without Jesus. Sorry. But there is good news. We at ITS 24:7 have written out a roadmap to help you. You see, God didn’t send me that friend for just a few hours on a weekday morning, but he sent me someone who knew I would need to be mentored. Every day, he texted or called with a new assignment, a new concept to learn, a new principle to help me heal. Well, we have written these days into a 40-Day Journey so others can experience the same peace and joy amidst tragedy that I experienced! If you, too, want to learn how to walk “In The Spirit 24:7” I invite you to take the 40-Day Journey yourself!

“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.”
Isaiah 43:18-19